The thinking goes so deep.
Thoughts racing through her mind.
She wants to figure out what is clouding her joy.
No joy from mama, papa is already gone
Siblings brings out the temporary joy she craves for.
But she doesn’t know what she wants.
She begins life as a wild exuberant girl with a timid personality
She enjoys life as it went
Praying to her Maker to feel right
Still doesn’t know if she ever loved her Maker
Pleasing people for a feel of self-worth
Mama and papa proud of her for getting the scores in school.
She is a happy little lad.
Never did she know that being a child would do more justice than a teen.
Adolescence couldn’t help her define her personality
She thought, ‘ I’m I funny or quiet or confused?’
The crazy her became a victim for depressants and derision.
She couldn’t deal with papa gone
She couldn’t deal with her mummy issues
She couldn’t deal with the disappointment of friendships.
But when she cries, she doesn’t know what she cries for; mama, papa or friends?
I guess her happiness.
Happiness was her desire.
She doesn’t know what affection means.
She wants to love but she can love one person in a decade.
She doesn’t feel love but when she does, she squirms.
She wonders, ‘ Why does love feel so uncomfortable?’
Mama and Papa didn’t give her the love she wants and that was better for her.
The feeling of emptiness was her weekly dose of normal.
She once taught of the taste of death
How peaceful she’ll feel with no soul to deal with
When she envisions death, she felt herself slowly sinking into an abyss of soulfulness and quiet
She yearned for that quiet but she just wasn’t brave.
She just wanted to transition in her sleep…. but God always woke her up in the mornings
She thought of the cuts she could inflicted on her wrist, and yes she did, in her dreams.
She then hoped she could die by succumbing to the pain in her heart. ..
Nothing worked, she wasn’t brave, and God had other plans for her.
Yes God had other plans for her – for her to live on and continue to suffer from the depression…even though she prayed for comfort
That’s what puzzled her everyday – Why wasn’t God helping her? Isn’t He loving and caring …..?
I can’t tell, for she has closed her heart and mind to thoughts and feelings
…..but she’s still alive at the moment, worse and better.