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Obfuscatio

Date Written: October 8, 2017
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Don't speak my name
Don't you dare
Dare speak my given name
The one I never had a choice with
The one that child would grow up to despise

I am who I am right now
This collection of shame and of beauty,
of tragedy and of tact
Not the most prestige nor the most grand of becomings
But they are mine and mine to wear as I choose

Can barely compose myself…
Can barely think…

The ground glow orange
Wheat like cigarette ash
'round me, the cast of burning tower
like women alone in their forties

and the world that wrongly taught them sadness

You speak to me about truth
but your truth isn't science
Your truth is beloved scripture that made me feel unwanted
outcasted
misguided
not to mention unloved
Geb, unnecessary footnote, could have been
headline they've always wanted to write about, and scandalize
Pass
No second thoughts
Just: pass, pass, pass

Gebikoy padre, silent man, provider
Not the best but did what could
But all I can remember, out of all the things he did
was that time he hit me with a chair
And I can revisit everything I felt in that moment, the surprise and the anger
But every time I look at him now, slanting, half-paralyzed in his chair
Worked his whole life to end up with this throne
I feel nothing but pity

like butter on a summer day

my teeth fall like stalactite
Geb happy to be standing alone on top of the obelisk black to see the sun rising
spinel grass, shadow casting behind me

My best friends are homophobes and I could never tell them stories about how crazy I am for boys

Stir.

Drown your cognac with oxy
Drown
Drown

There's a corridor of feasts in my dream, and I don't know who to eat with
tables spin about, elementary bullies I hated,
caviar plates, baskets filled with
Earworms, worms, worms
I do feel the spoils of my wars creeping, slipping into middle fingers
harnessed by hardship, constantly bickering mouths
Pour me another Hennessy mixed with gasoline
and torch my sober inside-out
I dare you to touch your food with gusto, if you can
and swallow the Earth with it.

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