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My Sadness

Date Written: November 10, 2017


My sadness is not a simple feeling, no, my sadness is not a grey cloud that hangs over my head in the middle of the night, my sadness is thunder and lighting and destruction. My sadness is a weighted blanket made of cold steel, crushing my body and my bones, and I cannot breathe, I cannot breathe, I cannot breathe. My sadness is not a Saturday night all by myself, my sadness is not a friend that won’t return my call, a bad day at the office. My sadness is the constant silence and dread and screaming in my head, my sadness is the aching in my soul when it’s 4 a.m., and im aching to open my skin and bleed, my sadness is the day when I was nine, and the world ended as I knew it, my sadness will not leave, my sadness is the apologies bleeding through my teeth, my tongue cutting my cheeks like a sword with no mercy. My sadness is the incessant loneliness, my sadness is the feeling that I’m never clean, my sadness is never, ever, ever, ever getting it right. My sadness is not a tired morning, unable to get into the groove of the day, my sadness is the paralyzing fear of being alive, my sadness is the melody that I pray and pray and beg that I can forget, because the words remind me of dirty sheets that didn’t offer me kindness and stole my body from me, my sadness is sleepless nights and bruised legs, my sadness is dust collecting in the corners of my room and my brain, my sadness is everything that I know, my sadness is the bully on the playground, shoving me into the clay and laughing while I bleed. My sadness is my worthlessness, and my sadness is my failure, my sadness is my morning at my night, and my sadness is the daytime and my seasons and my holidays, my sadness is all I am, and my sadness is unforgiving, my sadness is my beginning and my end, my life and my death.

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