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The Process

Date Written: September 17, 2017

It's like fighting a ghost. Completely invisible but you know. 

Bruises on my soul. You feel it. 

Breathe in, pain. Breathe out, pain. Life, pain, forever. They call it a process. 

As if there are steps. Falso hope to reach an invisible landing. 

A goal doesn't exist. A process of bullshit. 

Lies as muddy as they come. "It's so gray" they say. "It's different for everyone" they say. 

A process none the less. Somehow that part is clear to them. So clear, in all the shades of gray. 

As if it can be categorized, compartmentalized. Ungrayed, cleared, assimilated even, to every scenario and exact to the given situation. 

Anything I would do to hug you once more. This isn't a process. 

Missing someone is a feeling. Missing them eternally, it's a life. A state of being, forever. 

Not a process. There's no line to cross in this life or any other life to come. 

As if you might accidentally fall in existential enlightenment and be one more step closer to clarity. 

It isn't a process that requires forgiveness or any other key to moving on. 

What I would do to see you smile one more time. 

It's every 5 seconds, every 5 minutes, every single hour every day for the rest of your life. Maybe even longer. 

A chamber of peace. Not a literal place, a space in my mind. A hole in my heart. 

That's where I find you. A gallery for the things I cannot change. 

For the things I miss, I love, your smile, your laugh. You and all your qualities are there. They're here. 

In these words, you aren't gone. Within me, you're forever. It's not a process. Its a perspective. 

A new lens for myself, for this world without you. 

New words every day for you, for me, for the way I'll miss you, forever. 


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