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Pain of heart ache

Date Written: October 2, 2017
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Through the pain and darkness 
my soul seeks refuge,
all I wish is to numb the pain, and use. 

This knot in the depths of my core 
continues to throb;
I want to rid myself of this sore!

Why can't it harden and scab?
This is too overwhelming,
I feel myself breaking,
So alone and sad.

I can't find solace in what used to work.
I've tried everything I know,
nothing works – 
in darkness I still lurk.

I once had hope, the strength to keep moving,
but now I can't find the medicine.
I just need some soothing!

I've lost my spark for life,
the thing that made me, me.
It's been months and still no way of finding my way out,
I need to find a way to be free!

I've been given the gift of recovery.
I've found a new way of life. 
Yet I still feel broken, and ugly, and still in strife. 

My physical health has deteriorated. 
Through all of this it continues to get worse. 
It's been two weeks of hell. 
I'm so frustrated!

It's emotionally draining.
I just need something, anything!

I could start eating better and exercising?
That could help my self-esteem. 

I can even see my smile rising, at the thought of being beautiful again.
I haven't been able to look in the mirror in a long time. 
No wonder they can't love me – the men.

But it isn't the men I seek approval from.
It's him who has my heart, with which he has torn apart.

My heart is broken, 
and feels like there will be no repair.
Why must I go through this?
It feels so fucking unfair!

We lay under the stars,
watching our wishes fly past. 
My heart grew stronger, 
and for a moment, 
the hope of us being together.

He too longs for freedom and suffers with pain,
but I can't be there for him.
I can't see him past my eyes flooded with rain.

I didn't believe my heart could so easily be given away.
He isn't what I need.
Yet here I am, sobbing away.

He's so young, 
with so much to learn.
Yet to be with him is all that I yearn.

His humour, his smile, his touch, 
made me happy. 
When I was with him, it all went away, 
the things that made me feel crappy. 

His empathy for others,
his strength to carry me,
was what I needed to feel more free.

His touch,
his smell, 
I crave daily. 
The way he held me, 
stroked me,
made me shakey. 

He saw my pain because he feels it too.
That bonded us beyond my control,
but now all I feel is a fool.

I thought it could be different,
that maybe the universe wanted us together.
But by looking at the facts, 
it would never have lasted forever.

But why then did we connect so easily and strongly?
Through hours of sharing, our bonds grew tightly. 

He stood by me against those who didn't,
and held me in my darkest moments. 

How will I now move forward,
with the yearing of what could have been?
I saw it – I'm sure!
Others had also seen…

The look in his eyes, 
even through his pain – 
there was a spark, 
who was for me, 
I thought in vain. 

So instead, he took my heart, 
that I tried not to give,
and shattered it into pieces,
and then asked me to forgive. 

Was this hope grown by meer choice?
Believing what others said?
Listening to my head's voice?

But even so, he let me give him my heart.
Selfishly, he looked past what was happening, 
ignoring my struggles,
ignoring his part!

I wonder if I truly loved him?
Or if I needed him to get me through my own horror and grim?

If I look back, it was partly a challenge.
A man like him; I could have him…
but this I couldn't manage. 

Instead, I have lost my individuality;
the ability to guard my heart.
So I lie here, broken,
a cliche tragedy. 

Why can't he love me the way I wish him to?
My soul yearns for his love,
even though it's not right, I know this to be true.

Why must the right thing feel so wrong?
Why must I suffer like this?
Did you know this all along?

When will I be able to look at the stars,
without a reminder of what was?

When will I be able to smile and mean it,
without losing my mind to pain,
to stop having to fidget?

I sit in a meeting, 
my leg jumping up and down, 
I know they see it, they feel it. 
I see their frowns. 

I don't want to go to work and face life normally.
It feels so fake,
so hard,
so lonely. 

Nighttime is the worst;
when I'm alone with myself. 
I can't trust my own space anymore.
I need something else!

I want to run away, 
to somewhere without this feeling,
to stop my heart from achng,
and my head from constantly reeling.

God, grant me the guidance my soul needs,
that thing that my soul needs to feed?

Where are you now that I need you the most?
Do I need to beg you in a fucking letter, 
and send it in the post?!

Do I need to go on my knees, and pray for mercy?
Because so far I've done my best,
and still cannot see.

I sit here, empty, broken and hopeless,
begging my God to get me through this?!

I'm begging you, please hep me today?
Before I do something stupid,
and throw it all away?!

You've brought me to my knees, 
and sit watching in the background.
Please just unlock me from this cage,
just give me the keys!

Enough is enough!
I've cried for too long. 
You know my heart, and what is wrong.

So now is your time God,
to pull me out of the dark.
I've sat here too long. 
I'm at your door and I knock.

Please open the door and give me peace?
You've let me suffer long enough I believe.
It's time for my release!

Release me from the chains of my own mind and grief.
Hold me. 
Carry me.
Give me some relief?!
 

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