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Charles Hill' Profile

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About Me and My Poetry

Hi, my name is Charles Hill and my poetry is used to uplift, motivate, inspire. and I am someone who uses writing to let other people know that what good is a voice or what good is talent if you are not willing to use it. I am someone who just writes what is on my mind. And I want to be a poet who sparks change in communities, cultures, and lives. and I am someone who always puts GOD first because without him we are nothing. I use my poems to teach, to spark, and to give thanks to GOD and give light to a world that is filled with darkness. I also have the ability to write about other topics as I well. ALL in ALL my poetry is meant 2 teach, create, cultivate, shape and mold minds into a deeper thinking.

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I use this as a way to tell my story, this is a method in which I pour out my heart, I take you inside n show you the hidden glimpses of my soul. I use this to lay out all my emotions before God. All my hurt, all of my pain, all of my tears I give them to him because I cannot bring myself to shed anymore tears; I do this as a way to stop hiding behind everything that I fear. And even though I make mistakes I just want to pour my heart out and let everyone know that all this emotion that I often express is so oh so genuine and all I long for is to heal.
I just want to bury the scars, I just want the tears that fall from my eyes to know that as of this moment forward they no longer possess any control and they can’t linger in my eyes no more. Sometimes I hate when I conceal things, sometimes I hate when I bottle stuff up and sometimes I hate the fact that I love seemingly like I’m becoming out of touch and I can’t talk to you any longer, I can’t run to you when my legs have given out and have ultimately become weak but, I just wanted to let you know that no matter how many times I may come up short the only thing that I’ve ever desired was just to possess a special place in your heart.
The joy that I linger to give you is so sweet, it warms the soul, and it melts the heart. My heart has nothing but love 4 u and to me this love will never die, it will never grow old and when I give her my heart she cannot break it, she cannot scar it, and my heart flutters uncontrollably just thinking about her.
... continued
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I often wonder how long can I hold back my tears, there are times when I try my hardest not to expose everything that I fear, and then there are times when I feel like I am losing my grip and it seems as though no matter how much I try to hold on and I try to continue to fight the same things that I try to relinquish myself from are the same things that keep me tossing and turning one time too many on certain sleepless nights.
Under, all of the smiles and the numerous laughs and jokes lay a heart that is constantly battling its fair share of turmoil. My faith in and my love of God is strong, and I want him to know that when I can’t sleep at night I am often at war with my thoughts, I am often at my war with my heart, and I am often at war with life because all I want in spite of being flawed, and in spite of being a sinner, and constantly failing short at times the only thing that I want more than a spot in Heaven is a spot forever etched in your heart and with that the assurance that even though I may fall short at times and that seed of doubt that lingers heavily on mind at times I know that in due time you and I will laugh together up in the heavenly skies above and that you will one day remove every ounce of sorrow that often waters my eyes.
At times, these shackles are often too heavy, the burdens on my back leave me aching, and I sometimes lie awake at night filling my bed with tears. I do and say things that I know are not right, and when I do them I smile even though I know I should not, and as a result of these actions sleep at times is often hard to come by, cold sweats, a fast heartbeat, and night terrors often shake me to the deepest depths of my core and I know right then and there the only thing that I adore and the only thing that I yearn for is letting me know he still cares, he is teaching me a much needed lesson, and in spite of all my transgressions no matter past, present, or future he will always be there. At times, I unfortunately allow all of my insecurities to bubble to the surface, I at times often allow all of the pain that I try to hide linger, and I at times have often let my emotions get the best of me because at that time I was engulfed in seas of misery, anger, sadness despair and disdain but the seas of joy, love, compassion and care that at one point I could always run to and turn to often seems like me and these very things that I once loved have ultimately become estranged and I ultimately become angry because the very people who turned to me when they needed me the most I was always there, I was always the shoulder to cry on, and the compassionate and genuinely caring voice that no matter what was always there but, when I turned to look for these very same people they walked away, turned their back on me, and in the end ultimately admitted to me that they never truly cared and now the only things that I am left with in my heart is coldness, grief, and a never ending sense of utter despair. My prayer game is strong, my love for him knows no bounds, and all that I desire is to be profound, to be true, and to be real and I know that no matter how many times I may stumble, no matter how many times I grief, and no matter how many times I may mourn when I write to you I know that your spirit will always be with me and your love for me will never lose its synergy.
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       One of these days I will no longer have any fears, I will no longer have to shed any tears, and I know that one day sadness, pain, and grief will no longer have such a tight grip on me and will no longer leave me in a state of misery. I will no longer be burdened, I will no longer have to cry, and sadness will no longer overtake me because I will soon be in a place where only happiness resides. I will one day push everything that burdens me to the side, I will no longer be handcuffed to my sins, my transgressions, and my self inflicted pain because there will one day be a day when the only thing that I have to look forward to is positive and never ending gains.
Everything that haunts me will cease to exist, the suffering that I bring upon myself will eat at me no more, and I will then be able to rest easily knowing that the fears that once had a stronghold over my life I will eventually bury them and they will not be feared anymore. And, I look to forward to the day when in spite of all my shortcomings, flaws, and wounds that I like many others will be welcomed into Heaven soon. My biggest fear is that I fail the one that I love the most, my other fear is that while I was on earth I did not do enough and as a result I missed out on the one and only thing that I wanted the most in spite of being oh so close. Another fear that I have is that I laid my heart on the line and I gave someone my heart and they tore it apart, they cut it too deep, and it bleed out the cuts were too deep, and the pain was so devastating that it caused me not to ever love again and my heart as a result of being shattered would never know the feeling and bliss of love again nor would it be able to mend. Or, what if someone gave me their heart and I did not love them like I should have, I did not cherish them, and I only used words and did not exert the energy and put forth the action to show that my love was truly real and not just a facade would they forgive me and give me another chance to earn back their heart. I would express to them my biggest fear was never to break their heart, I did not intend to make them cry, and I did not ever want that one true person who gave me their heart to leave. And I would blame myself because I would be at fault because of the lust of my flesh, the ungainly desires of my twisted heart, and my immature misguided affections my biggest fear is that because of these things I will never regain that connection.  I lie awake wondering what if I let my parents down by not taking what they taught me and using it to stay out of trouble. What if I let them down by killing someone whether it was by means of my fists, knife, gun, alcohol or, drugs. What if I let them down by killing someone and having their innocent blood forever stain my hands, or what if I let them down by spending the rest of my life rotting in a prison cell or even worse being separated from them and God by being sent and burning in a never ending Hell. I lie awake thinking to myself how could I lie awake judging someone for the things that they have done and at the same time become what I unjustly and unfairly judged. But, then again I come to the realization that I have no right to cast any judgment whatsoever because my record is not the cleanest and I just like any other person have to battle with my demons. No, one but God understands the tears that fall from my eyes, he is the only one that can heal my heart when it aches, and he is the only person I choose to turn when I want to escape from this maze of pain, grief, and heartache that at times at my life had me cornered. I pour out all my emotions, I give him every ounce of my pain, and every-time I lie awake and my eyes refuse to close I just desire to see his face and have him rid me of my all fears and restore in me a newer, happier, and unbreakable soul and reshapes this perfect imperfection back in his unblemished and never stained mold.   I lie awake wondering why can someone kill someone like me and get away with it. I wonder why someone of my own race kills his own people justice is served somewhat swifter, the sentence cuts both families deep and the grief that both families go through as a result will never end. But, if we are killed by someone else they get no prison sentence, they get to home to their families and see their kids but the person they murdered will never get the chance to go to college, graduate, and become successful. Their potential we will never get to see, their talents they will never be able to put on display, and my question to those officers who have killed someone like me would be will their ever be day a day that you put your fears of us and other minorities away.
 
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     I took the fall, I was the reason for my state of mind, I am so close to Heaven hell I just need a little more time. I hurt myself I am the reason for the cut on my face, and I just want some saving and amazing grace. The isolation has made me weary, the bitterness has engulfed my joy, a lot is weighing on my mind and I just need a release of this stress so that I can finally sleep. Seeing others in pain, seeing others in a state of despair and seeing the hurt in someone's eyes I at this time can relate and all I want is just to escape. This state of grief hurts, the insecurities that I suffer from are my biggest pain and I at times cannot shake them because I thought I was missing something that I felt was important but God tells me to quit fighting with my insecurities and go on and live out my purpose and find something meaningful and worth it. All I ever think about is being a beacon of hope, giving somebody with a frown on their face a reason to smile, and be someone who when he sees engulfed in tears, despair, and misery that I was a shoulder that they could comfortably turn to and be a voice of comfort, inspiration, and a voice for a better season so they could remove themselves from the things that they disdain and eventually find something significant that they could truly claim. I like many others still am in a battle with my insecurities, my demons, and my angels wanting to be accepted by everyone so I do things that I always knew I should not have and going against my better judgment has me in a state of confliction because I am now tormented by trying to be something that was never meant for me and as I express these words I hope he hears me and releases me from this unforgiving misery. Sometimes, I lie awake thinking too hard to come up with ways to be a beacon of hope, exerting too much energy trying to help all the people that I cherish unloosen the noose from around their neck and all the while trying not to let my demons be the reason that my life turns into a state of regret. Sitting, in a dark room no lights on, no distractions, at this moment in time no need for human interaction all I wanted was to talk to God above let him know my struggles, let him know my pain, and let me in on the inside track to some meaningful satisfaction.  With, every lie I've told it burns my lips, stings my heart, and I further distance myself from my father and I cry out in anger, frustration, and desperation when he does not answer when I want him too but then I come to quickly realize I have no one to blame but myself so now I just sit and wait eagerly for his compassionate, tender, and merciful help so that I will no longer have to run, I will no longer have to lie, and I will be eternally grateful when he removes every tear from these watery eyes of mine in due time. In a garden trying to find seeds in abundance where I can plant, produce, and nurture the sweetest fruits that have no bitter taste, no weakened root, and the hiss, glide, and poison bite of the snake can no longer alter  the beacon's mind and as a result I will be welcomed into Heaven in just a moment's time.  And my insecurities will be a thing of the past and as I claim my rightful place I can truly and finally be free at last.
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I just want to see your face, I just want you to forgive me for my sins, I just want to make amends for all the pain, grief, and heartache that I've caused you. I intended to write all these words they are all true, they are all genuine, and they all express emotions that I've kept concealed because with every mistake that I have made I often could not sleep, my eyes would not close, my heart would ache and my soul could not stop the painstaking burns I just want to see your face one time so I can be forgiven and no longer have to mourn.
I write these words to express all my concerns because I feel as though I have failed you, and every time I type an honest word, or show my emotion it is only written for you to see because even though I am flawed all I wanted was some face to face time with you and some spiritual devotion to help ease all these concealed and tucked in emotions.
Too many times I have cried because I hurt you, too many times I have fallen short of your glory, and every time I cried on the pillows of my bed looking for your comfort because these burdens have become too much to bear this pain no matter how much medicine  taken still eats at my body, heart, and soul and I just want you to remove this pain so that I can continue to grow.
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     I lie awake with my emotions clouding each and every one of my thoughts and how this heart filled with love for you never intended to become distant, not give you as much time, and I hope that you still love me no matter how many times I come up short and break your heart and as I write this I am hoping you are ready for me to expose this weary and contrite heart. My state of mind varies at times there days are days that are filled with bliss, love, and a never ending joy. But, then there are times when I am fighting with my own demons, fighting with my pride, and thankful for every day that you keep an undeserving sinner like myself alive. There are times when I want to cry but the tears won't fall, there are times when I want to express myself but the words refuse to depart from my lips, and then there are times when I feel as though every time I get back up I continue to slip. There are nights when my heart is heavy, my burdens that I inflict upon myself are too much to bear, but through it all I hang my head high because you always show me that you care.
I could never give it all up by ending my life through shooting myself, hanging myself, or taking any other drastic measures but there are times when there is a voice in my head that says sin a little, have thoughts about spilling another person's blood, or by helping someone slowly kill themselves with drugs. And then I realize as I lay every emotion down on these keys through my words I would never want to be the cause of someone missing out on their dream deferred. And as I come to you I come to you wounded, I come to you in need, and I come to you as a lost child of yours searching for an abundant seed to plant in the ground in the hopes that I could be a beacon of hope created by you that helped others turn their lives back around. The tears fall, my heart pounds faster, and the cuts from old self inflicted wounds that I've caused never seem to heal and even though I have not been to church in a while I am not ready to return because I am waiting for you to give me something real. So, that when I do return I have no more fears, I am no longer bound by the scars of my pain, and because of you I have seen the return of things more abundant and plentiful to gain and as a result they will be forever sustained.
 
... continued
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                 I lay awake tonight thoughts running through my brain, there are times when I am filled with exuberance, there are times when I am filled with great pain, and then there are times when I lay awake at night battling nothing but shame. At, times I try to conceal the thoughts that cause me not to sleep at times I bottle up the pain because I am too scared to express it and there are days when I want to express how I feel but because I changed my mind I feel like when I should have been honest the best policy I carelessly and utterly neglected. I sometimes feel like when I opened my mouth I should have said more, I should have spoken louder, and got the pain, heartache, and grief forever removed from my chest. But, I kept it bottled it up, I let the contents spill, and there are days when I lay awake and wonder when will the pain finally cease and when will my heart be given time to recover and heal. I sometimes wonder when I talk to you do the words really get through to you I wonder do you really comprehend do you truly care and these are the types of thoughts that weigh on my mind as I lie awake awaiting on the answers to these painstaking questions in due time and hopefully the answers that I await for are enough to alleviate my currently troubled mind.  We give you words of encouragement, we give you words of love, from people who truly love you and care and at times when we speak with you and when we speak amongst each other we question to ourselves do you really relish this state of utter  despair and misery.
I cannot remove these thoughts from my head I cannot sleep because the misery is taking it's toll on me and others that care for you as well and we all suffer from the headaches, the loud shouts, and the endless nights of pure HELL and all the while we remain even though we have reached the point of all we can sustain. I leave my tears soaking each pillow I lay my head on at night my eyes cannot close because of thoughts of terror, blood shed, and fright and I leave my heartache bleeding through these computer keys hoping that in due time everything will be all right and you will finally see the light.
We pray to God every night that he give you knowledge, guidance, wisdom, and strength so that as a result you no longer feel like you are teetering on the brink and you won't have to let go because GOD is perfection, we were all created, shaped, and crafted flawless in his mold and with his love unfailing and forever true and with ours right beside you we just deep down wanted you to know that even though you did not think so we were always one hundred percent behind you.  We just want to see you smile again, we just want to see you laugh more, and release yourself from this state of mind as well as from the clutches of the enemy who has you on the ropes at the moment but we are in your corner and we always will be ready to lift you up when you have finally tasted God's sweet victory and no longer are the victimless and cornered prey of a vengeful and saddened enemy. No, more pain in your heart, no more negative thoughts, no more harboring of things from the past it is time to turn over a new leaf and like Dr. Martin Luther King it is time for you to free yourself at last.
... continued
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There are times when the sound of laughter is misleading, the smile is really a covered up frown in disguise, and then there are times when joy is really just pain hiding somewhere in the darkest parts of our a weary and forever broken heart. At, times I just wish those that I love who are bottling up pain that has been forever scarred and tugging at the strings of their heart let me help them find sunshine in their darkest of times, and let me be the one to help them see even when they are blind. I hate when someone harbors pain in their heart, wears their emotions on their sleeves, or just wants to be engulfed in a sea of never ending misery. I just want to let them know that even though the pain often cuts them deeper than it seems that I always loved them, cherished them, and believed in what others thought were unattainable dreams.
I never want to see them hanging from a rope from suicide or,  self inflicted bullet shot forever tattooed on their head and the blood pouring out nonstop it is scenes like that always makes my heart drop. I never want to hear a mother and father screams, the tears falling from their eyes, or the hurt that forever lurks their hearts in the same place where joy once was a welcoming home. Never could I cut a wound so deep whether through fist, knife, or gun. Never could I be the cause of a wound that refuses to heal, and I could never be the reason that the pain in someone's life will always cut to the deepest core. I never was meant to be the reason a person's life lost its valuable worth, we were not put here to cause even an ounce of hurt yet, every time u turn on the news there is a shooting blood is shed, yellow tape covers the scene, bullets cover the ground, dirt is thrown over a lifeless body in a coffin too soon, and the next cut hurts even more than the first wound. When the pain cuts deeper than it seems don't tell me no lies, don't ever hide your tears from me not to see and take your cherished and precious life not only from God but from me because I don't want to think of you as a distant memory. Don't be selfish and cut your throat, Don't be selfish and leave a bullet wound and a somber note because life without you or, anyone else that I loved would never be quiet the same because all you left me was your never ending grief, sour sorrow, and many visions of your misery that you refused to end. Now, the only thing I have left is a heart filled with hurt, a smile that is not as bright, and computer keys that type out words with blood stained keys and unfulfilled dreams that never truly got the chance to be seen. 
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I have not been on here in a while I have not expressed myself in quite some time due, to the fact that a lot has been weighing on my mind. I have tried to express my concerns to those who I cherish, love, and adore that there pain that they are suffering from breaks my heart, I cry at night for them, and I send prayers up for them to the heavens above that are filled with nothing but deep and compassionate love. I cannot stand to see them in a state of bitterness, sorrow, and despair and I show them not only with my words but, also my actions that for them I am still here and I still care.
 I have become angry, at times I have been digusted, and wanted to distance myself away but deep down inside I can't because I care for them just way too much and at the some time my heart has too much love in it for me to ever it let it lose it's touch.
 My words of compassion feel like they fall on deaf ears or they go in one ear and out the other, I get red with anger with because they won't listen, I try to teach them but they won't apply and I lie awake at night with tears that won't stop flowing, bed sheets soaked, and it feels as if everything around me that I care for is crumbling from within. And I am trying to pick up the pieces of broken, shattered, and fragile hearts that will not budge nor, mend and I send them up to Heaven knowing that God will repair them again and that through it all when others did not the care that I had for you all did not stop.
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All, I've ever wanted from you was to see you smile again. But, you refuse to smile all I have you seen do lately is complain, cry, or wallow in misery and bitterness. You refuse to let go of pain, you refuse to let go of grief, and you refuse to let go of the pain that I constantly see in your eyes. You say that you know you don't like me seeing you like this but yet, you remain the same why you do us all a favor and smile once again.
Why you refuse to smile I will never know why you continue to hold on to the things that you should let go are just some of the things that I never will know. And there are times when I ask myself and then ask God will you bring back his joy, his smile, and his love of life because I and many others that love him can no longer endure this strife.
 
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