What Heartbreak Is

Heartbreak is
your mother
telling you on the phone:
“Just so you know
if the family falls apart
because of this,
it’s on your head.”

Heartbreak is
carrying the weight
of the world
for a family
that doesn’t see your strain.

Heartbreak is
feeling guilty
for not calling your mother
as often.
“Think of my mental health!”
she says
not realising you’re so avoidant
because you’re thinking of yours.

Heartbreak is
realising why
you watched Cinderella
for two weeks straight
when you were sixteen.
You didn’t see it then
but the idea
of someone taking you out
away from the hurt,
it gave you hope.

Heartbreak is
being an eldest daughter
and looking up to your cousin
as the older brother you never had.
And Heartbreak is realising
that he did not see you the same way.

Heartbreak is
thinking of your younger self
and crying
for what she went through.

Heartbreak is
thinking Heartbreak is
only for romance gone bad,
only to realise you’ve been carrying it
every day of your life.

Heartbreak is
swallowing the hurt
for the benefit of
your family
and for fear of blame,
only to have your worst fear
come true.

Heartbreak is
your therapist
pulling off the blindfold
to how you’ve been treated.
And maybe
you deserve better?

But most importantly
Heartbreak is
thinking that if you have kids
or a family of your own
that you would never
ever
allow what has happened
to be repeated to anyone.
Ever.