Reflections in water

So much suffering and loneliness comes rushing down in the cold, smooth form of bitter tears, heralding a coming storm.

Light as they are, their weight is unbearable, cold as they are, I'm not numb to the pain, soft as they are, they bring no comfort, and in vain I try to withstand its name.

To reflect on the truth of the abyssal battle my soul endured, fighting this maelstrom of sorrow all these years, only brings greater sadness and tears.

Poor is my inner self having to feel this way, for so long it struggled while I selfishly enjoyed vices each day.

Greedily I relished in them in this physical world for the sake of this physical shell...and while I had the fortune to escape those vicious feelings at a moment's call as they rampaged through my soul unfeeling! There came the day it overflowed as there was only so much my soul could bare! And it lashed out in an attempt to overthrow once and for all this unjust affair! As it used as ammo persuasion and reason, worthy of the works of Voltaire!...And reminded was I of the fact I tried to hide, and so I cried, asking myself why.

I tell myself it is out of character to give in or give up, be it to the vices I seek or to the troubles I unknowingly sought. And so it is, yes it is! That this is not me! That I am not weak! Yet again the pain returns to me and once more I weep, as I think back and hear my past speak in critique, showing me the mistakes I did.

And now I'm pensive as the tears dry and the pain subsides. I'm rewarded with a moment of clarity as I stare into the sky, breath fills my body and tranquility my soul and mind.

A brief moment to reflect is all it took, to realize this pain speaks for how deprived of love my heart and soul stood. All I've ever wished for is peace through love, sent to me like on the wings of a dove. The root of my addiction, was a desire for acceptance, I turned to that affliction without a thought for the consequence.

It's vexing how hard it is to attain the things we wish for the most. We think "what did I ever do to deserve this"..."nothing" your mind answers in riposte. The same reason for why wishes aren't reality until you make them so, is why I must fight for this love I seek so I can break this foe. And if a hooded dove were to land on my feet and seemingly present this treasure I seek, without strife or fight, or even the need of a boutique, not only will it be a treacherous snare, but I'll also be forever unaware of the value of that acceptance at which I so desperately stare, and it will only be a portend of a future I cannot defend.