What am I doing to me?

Give me a moment to gather my thoughts,the ones you know were hard I fought. Day by day and night by night stressing you with my drinking,what's the use of loving me was my way of thinking.
Don't want anything anymore that would do me any good,I am not thinking of love and don't want it even if I could. I'm having way too much fun with  myself laughing and and cutting up, but who are my friends? are they wanting me or what's in my cup?.
What am I doing to me? what am I doing to you?,I've messed up by acting like a fool. God please take and throw my darkness away,replace it with your forgiving saving grace.
Do I hear you speaking to my heart or do I go on not doing my part. I can wait until death is at the door,I can change and never asking for more. Does falling on the floor make you love what I do?,maybe just sincerely saying I love you.
What am I doing to me? What is really going on?,too blurred to see and too far gone.