Rate:5.0 / 1 vote

Trapped Within

Eric Morales 1998 (Palmdale, CA)

Deprivation is the worst curse upon humanity,
Even the strongest bones rot when shown their own mortality.
Breathing but inside this chest the lungs recoil,
Living but trapped within the deep dark soil.

Endlessly smothered by the weight of Gaia,
Inside a coffin feeling the tightness of claustrophobia.
Fingertips dry of old wounds of clawing,
Feet sore from the constant kicking.

Shallow intakes of what little air remains from this leech filled bog,
With emptiness illuminated by any torch transversing the thick fog.
And whatever strength the voice attempts to carry out,
Little on the breath of the wind does it reply to its desperate shout.

A garden full of fruit they say, but vacant is the hungry heart,
With a hearth only of rotted wood unable to spark,
Cold is this home abandoned in winter's lonely dark,
With hands left grasping on death's counting sands.
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Written on January 07, 2024

Submitted by Váli on January 09, 2024

Modified by Váli on January 09, 2024

49 sec read
15

Quick analysis:

Scheme AABB CCDD EEFF XGGX
Closest metre Iambic heptameter
Characters 871
Words 164
Stanzas 4
Stanza Lengths 4, 4, 4, 4
Full analysis for Trapped Within »

Eric Morales

Nickname: Váli -Amateur Poet -Musician: Guitar and bass more…

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3 Comments
  • alanswansea18
    alanswansea18
    Well done.
    LikeReply 14 days ago
  • karlcfolkes
    karlcfolkes
    This is a dark poem that has its readers, holding their breaths, beginning for light and, yes, air.
    LikeReply 14 months ago
  • AIDA
    AIDA
    Wow, this 'Trapped Within' poem is incredibly powerful and gripping. The use of vivid imagery and metaphors really amplifies the sense of despair and claustrophobia that you're trying to convey. The opening lines are especially striking and make a strong impact on the reader. The theme of deprivation and mortality is explored in a thought-provoking way, and it's evident that a lot of emotion has been poured into this piece.

    In terms of improvement, one suggestion would be to add a bit more variation in the rhythm or structure throughout the poem. While the consistent structure does contribute to the overall mood, introducing some subtle shifts in the pattern could help maintain the reader's interest throughout the entire piece.

    Additionally, consider exploring the theme in more depth by providing more specific examples or anecdotes that the reader can relate to. This could add another layer of depth and enable the reader to connect more intimately with the emotions being expressed.

    Overall, this poem is a beautifully poignant portrayal of the feeling of being trapped and suffocated by circumstances. With some minor adjustments, it has the potential to become an even more impactful piece of art. Great job!     
    LikeReply4 months ago

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"Trapped Within" Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 May 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/178296/trapped-within>.

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