Intrusive Thoughts

   “when I’m with you I feel like I could die and that would be alright..”

On a good day, there’s color to your cheeks along with a smile

-From ear to ear-

Like everything’s okay and our life hasn’t been fading away,

Slowly

Right along side of yours.

Like opportunity opened up new doors,

And didn’t slam them in our faces from every direction and all at once.

    “I wish I could get back there, someplace back there"

Like you are still you and I am still me-

even though you weren’t an angel and I was so naive,

Everything was okay.

    “how do I get back there to the place where I fell asleep inside you..”

Good days are few and far between now.

They are replaced by pains and aches

-Literally and figuratively-

Replaced with hateful resentment

-You resenting me for my body not betraying me, and I resenting you for your slow death and all that it is (has) taken away from me and from us.-

The good days are replaced with me watching you sleep, checking to see the soft rise and fall of your shallow breathing, indicating you’re still here and by thoughts so intrusive they make my chest swell and crack with loss and growing grief like it does when I don’t swat them away.

Replaced by me watching the life draining out of you like a river running dry.

    “How do I get myself back to that place where you said I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life

    I’m not listening when you say, goodbye"