Analysis of Muddy life

I know I'm not somebody special anymore ,
just got the feeling of being left alone,
I always knew you're gonna leave me in the end,
write a long text about a breakup and click "send",
I'm feeling numb and fully fake the reaction,
Cannot forget the pain of this pitiful attraction,
Its just that sadness is my brain's big fraction,
You broke our promise not gonna lie it always felt like fiction,
Not leaving me? Come on its so absurd,
To even think about the fact that I'm just dirt,
A messy, dirty fucking piece of shit,
Guess my anxiety was right or so it seemed,
I don't miss you,
I miss the thought of what we were,
I miss what we just did before,
It really hurts seeing you so happy without me,
It cuts me deep inside and I just can't go without you ,
You were my only light in the end of the tunnel,
And now its pure dark and I wanna yell "fuck you" ,
But I still care for you all though I shouldn't,
You were so perfect and I couldn't ,
I couldn't see the pain thats on your mind,
I guess you were that freaking kind,
It's hard to hate you because you're not a dick,
It's hard to hate you because ,just like me, without somebody you just sink.