Silent Pains

They say time heals all wounds but losing is something I haven't understood.
What was the point of me going through this. There wasn't anything I gain except for weight because all I really felt was pain. Did I forget to mention that I never ate grapes until I met you? It's funny but it's true and only your father do. I remember how happy I was when I found out I was going to give birth to you. I had a hope and a future for you, something I never saw through. God I know you always have a plan for everything you do and I know I might fail if I question you. So I blame myself because when a woman loses a child that's what she usually do.

"Move on," everyone would say but how can I pretend you never existed when you were apart of me. I felt you in every way. You wasn't just someone that was growing on the inside of me, you were a dream. I never had a close relationship with my mother so I was hoping that we would be there for each other. I miss you but it's not all about me because I found your daddy sitting by the fridge crying about you to.

I knew I was a mess after you left so I try to seek help but no one who could understand my stress. They told me I was blessed because most women have gone through the same test. So I tried again but your sister came and she left. I must confessed I was really depressed. I remember banging on my chest, "God are you done with me yet?"

I sat down and thought of ways to forget and reset. I turned to the internet but I still felt so upset. You mean to tell me some women never even got a positive line on they pregnancy test? That alone changed my mindset that all hope is not gone for me and all I really need to do is believe. So when I see women with babies I don't feel jealous, I feel at peace because for me it's only hope seeds and a reminder that God could do it for me.