The Air Was Different Then

The Air was Different Then
i think about the times i spent as a kid.
how i used to be,
my giggle was pure
my heart full of wonder
and my eyes filled with curiosity.
the air was different then.

i think about my point of view.
how i saw the world as bright and blue
full of color and life
every breath was full of fun
and every flower was my favorite one.
the air was different then.

i think about the way i turned out.
how im angry, sad, resentful.
finding every way to cope but nothing feels the same.
begging for a way out, or a way to feel okay.
my heart is full of pain
my body weakens day by day
yet here i am, breathing different air
than when i was a kid with long brown hair.

if she never died would the air have changed?
maybe i would still be the same.
the same giggle
same eyes
maybe if she never died.

maybe i would have a heart
instead of tearing others apart
maybe i would’ve learned compassion
instead of feeling no attraction
maybe i could’ve been okay
instead of feeling like this everyday
if she never died would the air be the same?
or would it still be different as it is today?

i should stop thinking about what could’ve been
what should’ve been, what would’ve been
the air is bad and it’s hard to breathe
but nothing i think will change how i see
i’ll still be stuck here wondering
on whether or not the air is clean
hopefully i’ll see the day
where my children will smell the air before
with their long brown hair
or their curious eyes
i hope to god
i never die.