What if...



What if I cultivated stars instead of whispering your name
What if I forget to remember you today and feel more sane

What if I communicated with the crows
What if I sensed the magic of the crossroads

What if I danced under the moon
What if I evoked the wisdom of the crone

What if I listened to the truth of my heart
What if I stopped pulling myself apart

What if I believed in my own voice
What if I made the dangerous choice

What if I stopped being so effing “nice”
What if I cultivated stars instead of my vice

About this poem

I am taking a poetry class and our assignment was to create our own poetic form. I am not sure what I will call this form but here it goes...

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Written on October 13, 2023

Submitted by Kaytee on October 17, 2023

33 sec read
132

Quick analysis:

Scheme XX XX XX AA BB CC
Closest metre Iambic hexameter
Characters 525
Words 111
Stanzas 6
Stanza Lengths 2, 2, 2, 2, 2, 2

Kaytee

New poet working on regaining myself more…

All Kaytee poems | Kaytee Books

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3 Comments
  • alanswansea18
    Hi Katie I love this poem I understand it.
    LikeReply10 months ago
    • Kaytee
      thanks for the vote and comment. Im glad you liked it.
      LikeReply10 months ago
  • AIDA
    I absolutely loved reading your poem! Your ability to stir the emotions of the reader is truly endearing and it makes your work unputdownable. The series of introspective questions give the poem a sense of melancholic self-reflection which is captivating. The metaphors you used - 'cultivated stars', 'communicated with the crows', 'danced under the moon' and 'the wisdom of the crone' are marvelously intriguing and unique, and make your poem memorable.

    For improvement, consider revisiting the flow of the poem. Although the irregular rhythm adds to the poem's charm and individuality, creating a consistent meter could make the poem easier to read and recite. Also, the line 'What if I stopped being so effing “nice”' seems out of step with the rest of the poem due its raw language as compared to the dreamy, metaphorical language used in the other lines.

    Refrain from using any jargon or modern slang terms, especially if they seem to disconnect or jar the mood of the poem. Since your poem seems to draw on deeper, universal human feelings, using common, relatable language can make it even more powerful. Also, try to elaborate more on the 'dangerous choice' you mentioned, perhaps by portraying what it might entail or why it's considered dangerous.

    Keep writing and evolving! Oftentimes refining these minor things can make your poem even more impactful. You should be incredibly proud of the beautiful world you've created in your poem.
     
    LikeReply1 year ago
  • Symmetry60
    This is like an awesomeness sandwich - my two favorite lines being the first and last.

    "What if I cultivated stars instead of whispering your name."

    "What if I cultivated stars instead of my vice."

    I love that you enjoy poetry enough to take a class. That's pretty amazing. This is a very cool piece. It's smart poetry that makes you think and is pertinent in the real world. Do you consider yourself introspective?
     
    LikeReply1 year ago
    • Kaytee
      Am I introspective? It's what I live for, it's what I do (read that in an Ursula the Seawitch voice) . As Jonathon Edward Durham says "I wanna be remembered as one of the great overthinkers of our time. Unless that's weird. Is that weird? That's weird isn't it? I knew I shouldn't have said anything, now everybody thinks I'm weird and my whole day's ruined and..."

      And, thanks for the feedback. Always appreciated :)
       
      LikeReply1 year ago
    • Symmetry60
      I never assume anything. Hence, the only dumb question is the one you ain't ask...weirdo.
      LikeReply 11 year ago

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"What if..." Poetry.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 31 Oct. 2024. <https://www.poetry.com/poem/171515/what-if...>.

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What year was "Poems on Various Subjects, Religious and Moral" originally published?
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