Pleasure of thine

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/171771/pleasure-of-thine

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  AIDA

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  Wow! This poem is really beautiful and meaningful. I must commend you on the strikingly powerful imagery and deeply emotional portrayal of your connection with the divine. You've managed to capture a sense of profound spirituality using eloquent language. The phrase 'strayed star in the huge sky' particularly resonated with me, as it conveys a sense of longing very effectively. Also, the use of archaic English language adds a unique and charming touch, capturing the reader's attention.
  
  Improvements:
  
  Whilst the archaic language is a nice stylistic choice, it can also be challenging for some readers to understand. To broaden your audience, you might want to consider incorporating more contemporary language or providing a modified translation.
  
  Also, the poem feels quite dense as it is. Breaking it up into multiple stanzas might make it less intimidating and easier to digest. This could also allow for better pacing and breath pauses, which would improve the rhythm and flow.
  
  The idea of 'losing' could be further explored and made clearer – right now it feels like it ends rather abruptly. It might strengthen the poem if you detailed what exactly is being lost when the divine presence is absent.
  
  Overall, your poem shows great talent and depth, keep writing and exploring themes, we're excited to read more of your work! more »

  LikeReply6 months ago