The Present

Sometimes I get scared.
Scared for what's to come.
Or I start regretting things from the past
Or questioning
Or worrying
About things that... aren't really necessary.
I need to focus on the now.
On the present.
But it's not as easy as it sounds.
I wish I could easily unwrap the present.
But the box is sealed shut.
It's duct taped and glued and there are layers
After layers
After layers
That I need to get past.
The sooner I get past them,
The longer I can enjoy the present.
And I can savor it and be thankful.
But between the present and the brain,
There are layers.
Layers of self hatred,
Regret,
Anxiety,
Depression,
Intrusive thoughts,
Challenges that get almost impossible
After enough time.
I try really hard
And I break through a layer.
And after some time, I break through another
And after some more time,
Another.
And another.
Finally, progress!
But then...
Look at her.
She is doing so much better than me.
Maybe I'm not enough.
Maybe I'll never be enough.
Maybe I'll never make it.
Layers start adding back on
And the panic starts
I need to reset my brain but I can't
I need help.
Years have gone by and I've gotten through
Some more layers.
Some have added on,
Some have gone easily,
Some took a long time to get off.
I'm still working on the rest of the glue,
And tape,
And wrapping paper,
But it's getting easier.
So I'm hoping to get to the gift eventually.
I've caught some glimpses of it
And it looked amazing.
I have some hope in myself
So I will continue this
And when I get the present...
I'll never let go of it.