Without Love There Is No Grief.

One day you're lying in bed and the sun creeps in through the crack of the blinds. You start to feel the warmth on your leg that's wrapped outside of your blanket, the breeze dances through the blinds creating a chattering noise and while your eyes are still closed you listen to birds chirping and can imagine them dancing around in the fluffy, white cloud filled, clear blue sky. You open your eyes; take a deep breath and you think it's going to be a beautiful day... no... You KNOW it's going to be a beautiful day. You've taught yourself to manifest the day you want... you get up, brush your teeth and you start to get dressed. You finally put make up on and do something more than a puffy, curly, dreadlock bun at the top of your head. You feel good about yourself.  Something you've lost the strive to do in days. You hop into your car... BAM! that song starts to play at the chorus, you can't breathe again...your stomach feels heavy. the last song you were asked if you heard it yet, you were told the song spoke to them... like it was written just for them. You've caught yourself with tears rolling down your cheeks, a silent yet painful cry. Your chest is tight, your body hurts from tensing up. you think maybe it's a sign, their presence is with you... but you feel as if you're being tormented... your soul has been tormented long before this loss, yet this hurts different. You've pulled yourself out of dark shadows numerous times in your lifetime. You can do this.

As the days go on the pain becomes bearable, you've taught yourself breathing techniques, staying busy to keep your mind off the reality they are no long here, you can reroute your brain to think about the good times, the things that make you laugh when you think about the person. Then somedays you're right back at the day you couldn't breathe.

Grief. You have entered the part of life where you learn that you now have a new part of you. It comes in many forms; it honestly doesn't always come from losing a loved one to death. I have grieved places, situations, platonic relationships, what ifs and the loss of a human that walked out of my life. I've grieved lives I thought I'd have one day, the lives I've lived and so many other things throughout this lifetime so far.. and I know there is so much more as time goes on, that I'll grieve for too.

Grief, it will consume your every thought, every breath and even your dreams if you allow it. It'll make you feel as if there is a ton of pressure pushing you down, almost like you're being forced into the ground, all while you're just trying to do simple daily tasks. It'll make you angry at the world and even at yourself as your mind is full of "what-ifs, whys or how come I didn't do this or that?" You start to see the world through a new perspective, you may hate it at first but if you watch it can help you evolve into a better person. What you choose to do with it, is your choice alone.

There's no timeline for grief. If you asked me what I thought about grief's timeline I'd tell you: "I believe it's like your favorite book.. you can re-read it; you'll find new little details or comments each time, and you continue to read it over and over again even though you know what the ending will be. Life's a beautiful, yet tragic journey and who am I today, I may feel like this isn't the way it's supposed to be? The sad realizatiton that it is, just the way it's meant to be creates no choice but to move on and cling to the happiness and love that is still here. I chose to carry grief, because it feels like carrying it means I get to hold on to the pieces of my life, the people that are no longer here a little longer. I will proudly carry grief and mourn for the rest of my life... I will love and grieve as if it is my lifelong duty, because something so beautiful deserves to live on, long after their time, or moment here on earth. So, in short term.. there's not a timeline for grief.. there's no time that takes it away.. only time to learn how to carry it with grace".  There's no enjoyable life without love, and there is no love without grief one day..