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I’m done

Date Written: September 9, 2017
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I give up. Everybody told me that if I told my parent it would be all over. Everything would be completely fine. For real this time. I thought it was true too, but I wanted to fight my own fights. And that's exactly what I tried. I just forgot one little detail: My friends have problems too. My friends have problems too, and they're double my problems – I have an eating disorder, I have a depression, all of that typical teenage stuff. And they have exes. And they have so many problems, and I wanna be there for my friends. Screw my problems. They can go fuck themselves. But the problem is that the problems you throw away, always come back to kick you. And that's exactly what they did. I told my mom everything and my dad too, they had known about my eating disorder, but they didn't know how to handle it. Nobody does. Even my best friend just keeps on hitting me. I ignored all my problems this whole summer just so I could help him. And now, when I'm really in danger. What does he give me? Blue, green and yellow marks on my shoulder. And he knows it. He knows what he's doing to me, yet he doesn't. He has no idea how painful it is to be told by a doctor, by my friends, by the voices in my head and even by my own mother, that there's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me and nobody ever lets me forget it.

I'm constantly being reminded that I need help and I am sick and I should be in the hospital, yet there's no one actually trying to help me. They just tell me that I'm stupid and that there's something wrong with my decisions. It's been at least 3 months now. 3 months of constant pain and trying to understand people. But I don't. I don't get how someone can keep coming to friends for help, and after their friends gave everything they had. They still won't help their friends with their broken minds.

See, my problem is that I don't wanna directly ask for help. Cause I don't need to be fixed. I'm not broken. I just need someone to talk to me and help me out. Help me before I do break. Last Tuesday one of my friends asked me why I wasn't at school Monday. I answered him "I was too depressed". Can you get what he told me afterwards? "Do you wanna talk later?". I did. But I haven't heard from him… other than his problems. He often texts me saying stuff like "I don't like this. It sucks being so down all the time". And I 100% agree. Because it does suck.

But do you know what sucks more than being down all the time? Bein down and alone all the time.

2 comments on “I’m done”

  1. comnpkpillai     September 9, 2017

    Is it a poem.or an essay?

    1. happinessriaa     September 10, 2017

      Haha, I don’t know whether you’re hating on me or generally asking. But I’m new to poetry, and this is how I personally describe depression and stuff like that. It might not be good enough for you, but I’m trying. I know I’m not good at it, you don’t have to say that twice

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