Seven Thirty One Twenty One

I don't want to remember the abuse
didn't want to dance with her demons
always feeling lost & alone
searching for something to believe in.
So much pain & sadness
I suffered through in silence
all to protect her, my abuser
I gave my compliance.
Now it seems I've sealed my fate
I willingly dug my own grave
over half my life I've never lived
to the damage I'm enslaved.
Convinced that I'm unlovable
that I'm damaged beyond repair
I live out my life completely alone
never letting anyone near.
I've literally been isolated alone
over the last two years
rarely do I leave my apartment
barely going anywhere.
But something unexpected happened
amidst this spiraling fall
I discovered I'm so much happier
never seeing anyone at all.
I discovered unexpected joy
in the peacefulness of solitude
living life completely on my own terms
with virtually no input from any of you.  
Years & years of feeling lonely
when all I really wanted was to be understood
I longed to have others around me
I thought I needed them to feel good.
I hated being alone for too long
demon memories would begin to surface
intrusive thoughts would poison my mind
leaving me lost & without purpose.
Believing the thoughts were my own
people became my diversion
anything was possible to be a distraction
and complete & total immersion.
Then something happened & I did a 180
& I realized a powerful truth
true happiness, peace & joy
doesn't come from any of you.
My inner world is much calmer now
thanks to total self discovery
I am my own therapist, healer & teacher
solely responsible for my own recovery.
I suddenly found strength & courage
I never knew that I possessed
absolute chaos had helped me find them
once my life was a total mess.
I had to rebuild myself
had to have a renovation
eliminating what was unnecessary
to establish this new revelation.
Useless things were abolished
thoughts, beliefs, stuff & people too
anything that was holding me back
from creating myself anew.
I had to discover who I was
what was it that I believed
just what were my own opinions
and which were my misdeeds.    
What were the things I really liked
what was it that I actually loved
what things were important to me
and how much is really enough.
Were my fears justified
now that I saw them on my own
or were they just biproducts made up
from growing up in an abusive home?
Was myself whom I thought I was
or was she something else entirely
did I help to create her
or do I blame society?
What has fueled this desire within me
I suddenly hear myself say
why all of a sudden do this now
and will it really matter anyway?
It's a question I can't answer just yet
I've so much more to disentangle
my mind is filled & it's racing
bouncing from angle to angle.
But is there going to be any answers
to all of that of which I seek
or am I just wasting time again
wasting time until eternity?