Gas lighter

It's back.
The all consuming fear.
It's all I can think about,
I'm scared all over again,
I've gone through This before,
Is it always going to be like this?
Am I going to get me back?
Honestly, No, I won't.
I've changed,
I'm less confident in my skin,
More confident in my words.
Insecure but bossy,
Vulnerable but doesn't show it,
Loveable but doesn't know it.
This is me,
Imperfect little me.

Am I truly lonely, or I enjoy the solace?
What a silly question!
Of course, I'm lonely,
Who wants to be friends with me?
I just delude myself into thinking I have friends.
I deny them at every turn, relying on past transgression.
Refusing to grow, would rather stick to the past where nothing can hurt me.

Go and marry! She tells me
Who would marry me?
I won't marry me,
I'm fucked in the head,
I pick fight where there is no fight,
A professional gas lighter.
Is this what spiralling is?
Or am I deluding myself again?
Crying for help where no help is needed.
Perfectly OK, but needing constant attention.

Read and feel bad for me,
But not to worry, I'm fine.
It's just me gaslighting as usual.