It hurt

Ever since I was a young girl I have felt pain and emotion…
There was even times when I felt confused cause of what I saw while being around all the commotion…
Everyday of my child hood was hell…
I felt like I had to fight all the time to try and get that relationship with you but failed…
One became two and two became three…
Before I knew it you were smokin more than weed…
Drinking an partying and staying up all night…
Needles in your arm as I sit there in my room and hear the noise down stair from the fights…
The memories are embedded into my memory…
I can’t seem to get them out of my head cause it was all traumatic to me…
I grew up being sexually molested…
You always chose men over your children…
So when I turned 11 and I told you about being raped, you took his side even though what I said wasn’t fake…
When I turned 15 I started doing drugs to cover up the all the pain that you caused…
All I really wanted was my mother to be there for me…
To show me how it felt to have a mother that cared for me, you see…
You say you love me and yea that might be true, but actions speak louder than the words u use…
I used drugs till I was 21…
Thanks mom for showing me how to put a needle in my arm…
Got clean twice but died a ton…
Now that I’m clean I have to face that pain alone...
The pain that you caused me when I was young…
I’m an adult now with 2 beautiful kids…
I fight every day not to do what you did…
They still see the pain that I carry everyday…
The heartache that won’t ever go away…
I am hurting so fucking bad…
Because of you I’m always feeling sad…
That little girl still lives inside me…
And everyday she’s always fighting…
Fighting for that relationship that she’s always wanted…
The relationship with you i wont ever have cause now you chose my x over me instead…
No matter how bad things were when I was a kid…
This hurts more than all of that did…
I try and I try over and over again to fix what we had…
That mother daughter relationship I wanted so bad…
But I don’t want it no more cause it’s just causing me pain…
Pain that one day was covered up and shoved away…
So know that I do love you but I can’t stay…
I can’t stay and allow myself to be apart of you today…
Cause that’s how bad the hurt pushed me away…