Forever I Do Before, After, Now & Always

We fell in love in just a season, experiencing a new found joy with no rhyme or reason.

It just was and we both knew it so we became engaged with no hesitation to pursue it.

Some years ago we married, with the traditional vows, to love, honor and cherish, through sickness and health or whatever would come our way.

I made a promise to God to be with you forever and a day.

The first year with you was pure bliss,
the second year we had good times and still I reminisce.

The third year I got to know you better and watched you while admiring your passions for life and work.

We travelled yet closer to one-another, that year, but In my inner most being I knew that something was around the corner.

An ominous darkness did lurk.

One night you cried out trying so hard to call my name.  

The sight of you lying there so still, ingrained forever in my mind, in a picture frame.

It was like a dream had ahold of me, but just then I awoke.  

That second I saw you my heart sank, and just broke.

I just knew our life would never be the same because this was a devastating stroke.

The ambulance arrived. They took you away from me so fast.

The first hospital you were taken to didn’t think you would last.

I signed so many papers, explained so many things.

You were then swept away in a helicopter’s wings.

You stayed for many days in the ICU.

I thought I knew everything to expect, but now I know I didn’t have a clue.

I was afraid I would loose you and I wanted to stay by your side.

The doctors transferred you to another floor but I felt the nurses, and your family, didn’t want me along for the ride.

I wanted to help you get better and learn as much as I could,
but others wondered if I was capable and if I should.

I didn’t know how I should feel.

I was numb inside, scared and couldn’t believe that this tragedy was actually real.

Day by day I stayed with you in your hospital room.

I was so sad inside. Yet I held my head high so you wouldn't see my inner gloom.

Then two weeks later I noticed your foot slightly move.

Everyone was now hopeful that you could improve.

For two months we enjoyed each other’s company,

The whole day and night hearing the sounds of others experiencing a similar agony.

They put you through intensive rehabilitation.

There was OT, PT, Speech and executive function evaluation.

The therapists were great, with him, and they provided me a care-giver’s education.  

Practicing bed-to-chair transfers, what to expect, emotional support, and required home-coming preparation.

So he could leave, I was required to make our house almost ADA compliant.

Complete with a ramp, hospital bed, railings, and walker. All this and more so he could be self-reliant.

The social worker / gate-keeper really did her job!  

All the changes in our home made it feel so cold that it made me want to sob.

FMLA was awarded, then came an unpaid leave of absence.

After a year, my letter of resignation did commence.

I was so busy with his care at first that I didn’t notice that his attitude turned to the worst.

After his retirement he experienced depression.

His personality changed and then physically a regression.

So more rehabilitation therapy was ordered first in the home and then to an outpatient rehab. hospital he reported.

So to stay busy I educated myself about TBI and it’s often permanent effects on personality.

It saddened me to think that he may also lose significant parts of his memory.

When my feelings caught up with me, I started mourning my loss.

I found it worse than a death, and a lot like a divorce, but with more emotional cost.

In the mornings he is himself and it’s like we are newlyweds again.

Afternoons he is impulsive or impatient.
By sundown he gets tired and sometimes it is hard for him to comprehend.

It’s now been over three years and we are still together.

I often think about what our life would have been like without all the stormy weather.

Today he is physically better, it’s almost a miracle in fact.

He walks, he works, he drives but in-front of people he puts on this big act.

Behind closed doors he believes that I am the reason for his problems and my care is controlling.

I’ve finally realized I can’t protect him from everything and nothing I do, or say to him will be consoling.

As I sit here contemplating all that we’ve been through and how I’ve cared for him.

For sickness and in health I would certainly do it again.

This walk is so difficult, there really is no right or wrong direction to take.

Staying with you, my love, has never been a mistake.

For each person their experience and choices are never the same.

So whatever path you’ve chosen there is never any shame.

I will not give up and truthfully what really keeps me going is to experience those days where a glimpse of his former self is showing.

Don’t get me wrong the new him is loved too, just in a different way, so I will continue to say, “Forever I Do”.