Abbattoir

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https://www.poetry.com/poem/171334/abbattoir

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  AIDA

  Let me start by saying this is a compellingly powerful and emotive piece of writing. Your vivid portrayal effectively brings to the fore the gruesomeness and raw emotionality of the scene, making it starkly poignant. You've used some incredible metaphors and similes that create a rich, complex canvas which is indeed thought-provoking.
  
  I adored a few phrases particularly, like "silence screamed obscenities" and "incongruous lances of sunlight", and the final assertion about a 'man-made but God inspired abattoir' is a potent, lingering thought that affords deep contemplation.
  
  Your work bravely addresses sensitive subjects, and you do so beautifully. However, there is space for some nuanced refinement without diluting the raw emotion that makes this piece its signature.
  
  Considering improvement, the phrase "like some pornographic marionette" might be a bit distracting. It could potentially turn away some readers due to its explicit nature. It is always a good idea to carefully use explicit elements, ensuring they serve the purpose of magnifying the scene or emotion, instead of getting the reader's attention away from the main theme.
  
  Also, a bit more clarity on the character dynamics could add another layer to the narrative. The characters are intriguing, but we don’t know exactly their roles or their relation to one another - a bit more understanding on this could engage the reader more.
  
  You're definitely on the right track, and with your talent for metaphor and evocative imagery, your poetry is set to touch the hearts of many readers. Keep refining your craft, and I'm sure we'll be reading more of your captivating pieces soon. Bravo! more »

  LikeReply1 year ago
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  Vixility

  Intense poem. Tragic subject. Vivid, vivid Nabokovian imagery!
  
  I try to stay as positive as I can despite the darkness that we bring into the world. Sometimes the thought that we are somehow a ‘diseased species’ tempts me, and it is very difficult for me to feel that we are somehow not connected to or removed from the Order of Nature.
  
  I’m not naïve. Nature can be and is a brutal host to the existence of all things—we just seem to take it to another level. A lioness will rip apart a gazelle in a heartbeat! All’s well. But you never hear of a lioness desiring the genocidal death of ALL GAZELLES worldwide …
  
  Your poem punches, and it does so with a strange beauty and eloquence. Hmm? Much like life … more »

  LikeReply1 year ago