The love that was never my lover

the love that was never my lover
the one I knew before I met
the mirror image of me in her eyes
the daisy flowers on her dress
the anniversary never marked on a calendar
the dealer of false hope at a discount price
the war I declared on myself
the sweet delusion persisting for years
the bliss that lived too little
the hand hardest to lose hold of
the home wrecked by the flood
the anime headband clenching her curls
the twin flame with the oxygen taken out
the ache that seeped into my bones
the one-worded coffee quitter
the sob turned into translucent vomit
the pine green kanken on her back
the boundaries crossed and left in the rearview mirror
the game only she knew how to play
the "say cheese" replaced by a peace sign
the exponential growth of solitude
the subtle lean towards me with every laugh
the empty space in my bed belonging only to her
the thief of undeserved affection
the giant steps taken with her doc martens
the piercing words never said
the bottom of her skirt soaked in salt water
the source of life saved that december night
the free fall into a bottomless pit of despair
the bus rides with her head on my shoulder
the warmth that was burning me alive
the uni hall shimmering with her presence
the insatiable hunger for nothing but my attention
the life shared that will never be mine
the torment I hold onto with bleeding palms
the heavy stares indicating she could love me
the joints cracked in the middle of lectures
the meaningless feats of flirtation
the blameless dude only she could make me envy
the dancing silhouette under the starry summer sky
the heart erupted into a million fiery pieces
the weekly almond butter delivery
the passionate kiss existing only in a daydream
the worst gemini traits embodied
the audacity and nerve masked as shyness
the encounter on the solstice land of our grandfathers
the impenetrable bubble only the two of us could access
the never-drying saline waterfall
the mid june rainbow baby
the hazy selfie on a foggy night
the self-hatred comparable to the one induced by a parent
the badly edited facebook memes
the poison with the taste of honey
the school-related videocalls resulting in inside jokes
the agitating stunts meant only to provoke
the loud evening heard from the restroom
the perishing piece of my heart she will forever occupy
the good mornings said in korean
the forged tears and fake praise
the mother of my kids in another life
the queen of "almost" and endless question marks
the soul intertwinement that only broke one soul
the first exchange of words in the computer room
the fading echo of the girl I thought I knew