A Survivor's Guilt

My God!My God!
Why have you forsaken us?
Even now the whisper of wheels
On the track
Convulses me with tears.
What more could I have done?
Where did I fail?

You, the least selfish of men,
Dedicated to your students and staff,
Devoted to your family,
Committed the most selfish of acts.
By locking us out,
You locked us
Into a cycle of torment and pain
And we never saw it coming.

Worries you brought home
But you chose not to share them
Shrugging off my pleas
You did not want to worry me,
So you said

You dulled your tortured  mind by
Taking solitary refuge in the bottle
And you began slipping away from me.
I tried to batter the door down
With angry words and tears  
As my frustration mounted

Did the children notice our bitter rows?
Was it then the seeds were sown?
You fled to your mother's house
For the balm of her love
More forgiving than a wife's
And there I hoped you would find
The peace your troubled heart craved.

With your mother you returned
And she soothingly said,
"It will take time."
I saw a faint tear   in her eyes
Though her faith was strong.

That night you said the sofa would be your bed
"Give me time"were the last words I heard
Strangely I slept soundly
But when I awoke
I crept downstairs
To find you
And the car gone.

Frantically I phoned
And your mobile rang
From the depths of the sofa.
Then I saw your letter
On the cleared coffee table
Stark and white.

You begged our forgiveness.
You said this would spare us pain
And you bade me
Look after the children.
Stunned and silent
Your mum and I sat
In dread

Time froze

When the constables came
With their carefully composed compassion
We knew it was just beginning
You had ripped away the veil of the temple
And the tomb was empty.

You had shorn your lambs
Of their innocence
And inserted a sliver of ice
In their hearts

Now I am faced
With the curse of Greek tragedy
Since I must spend my time
Trying to melt that ice
Before it hardens
Irrevocably