You bet your life

the words hung there,
a rotten fruit in the air,
the smell of decay
clinging to them.

"if nothing warrants nothing..."

it was a twisted logic,
a drunkard's justification
for tearing down everything,
for throwing it all away.
each moment that had piled up
like dirty dishes,
a constant reminder
of what i couldn't have,
what i couldn't be,
was a goddamn weight
on my chest,
a leaden fist squeezing the air
from my lungs.

so i thought,

"give it all away,
every damn moment,
every rotten dream.
if it's just going to leave me
empty anyway,
what's the point of holding on?"

it was the kind of reasoning
that came from the bottom
of a bottle,
a desperate grasping
for some semblance of control,
some semblance of peace.

but deep down,
even as the words poured out,
i knew it was bullshit.
this wasn't logic,
it was self-sabotage.
a melodramatic fool,
that's what i was,
drowning in the wreckage
of my own making.
and i didn't have the strength
to fight it, not tonight,
not anymore.
so i let the darkness in,
swallowed it whole,
and watched as the world
around me faded to gray.