Addicted

Who do I trust?
And do I trust at all?
I’ve built a wall
Of bricks and cement
It took all sentiment from me
And left desire
An endless fire To dismiss
And hide away what really matters
I do not speak - It’s all in letters
That are kept unsent.
The present of his presence Is kept unknown
I thought it through
And on my own I walk
They will provoke - I’ll hide my tears
In fear of a broken heart,
In misery and laughter I shall not know
What’s coming after
And when to put full stop…
No dope was nearly good.
I thought I could,
I thought he’ll manage,
And yet the damage’s done
I look as kind as I should
To be unchained
From day to day routine
What does it mean?
Makes sense?
As if from submarine
I pose my question
So terrified to mention me
To be absorbed
Then slowly executed
By the touch
That meant so much to me.
And yet again I’m free.
Yet and again I want to flee The country
and escape From consequence to be
I made a fool right out of me
Naive and longing still for more
My body’s sore
From instincts I adore and cherish
From arms outstretched and longing
For what I thought was boring And insane
But in that morning
it felt so right
We shined so bright
And started burning
No fight to choose
I started mourning
It’s time to let go of his warmth
Winter is coming
I have to keep my worth
At worst fall into pieces
Collect them, though some still missing
How many times again I can proceed
To let my feelings out
How do I not keep shut my mouth
And shout inside
With all those sounds And fear?
It’s an ideal idea
To burn in flames
My inner child blames the world
My psycho adult asks for more
And off the shores I let it happen
I cry my eyes out
Dry them, Vapor
Inhale the odour with no shame
I realise it’s only me to blame now
It’s junk food for my soul
A thirst never to be controlled
Never to be obliged, by nature
To be dosed.
What was the question posed?
Who do I trust? No one.
And only if I must
Protect pretending to be fair
And in the morning flair I’ll dismiss
What makes all others stare.
How dare I
How dare I detach
how dare stand my ground
No one’s obliged, no one must look for
What’s never to be found.
I will excuse myself,
show mercy to the world
Keep going slowly shuttering the exits
Then spring will come
and with the morning dove
I’ll join hateful sexists:
We can’t be equal,
can’t stand in one line
Behind the shoulder would have been just fine
But through the years I have seen no man
Who wouldn’t let go,
when finally shit hits the fan
Society observes us
through the eyes and smiles
of an image that is untrue
A filtered lense,
a colour touch or two,
you know… Whatever keeps it going.
Stonehenge to be destroyed
On every further drawings
In memory of those Who never lose
History’s written by victorious
Their stories -  biased
No one will ever know
What’s underneath the curtain
Show’s on. Of that I’m certain
The rest is still unsure
A pure tear that falls down
Washes away my fears
And clarifies the mist.
Outrageous to dismiss Our true intentions
To find crystallised projections
In the eyes of one
I dreamt to dedicate my life
To love and intimacy
And it’s done.
Yet still unwanted.
An orphan child
Never to be adopted And caressed
That made its peace with it.
Yet still obsessed.
Love’s a disease,
It’s spreading fast
And Im addicted.
Looking for what should be
restricted and destroyed.
Oh boy, God please forgive me
And free from my confinement
So I’ll let go.
And drown obsession In life’s river flow.
What’s more to come Is still unknown.
And I don’t want that knowledge,
do not deserve your rage.
A wild animal that’s caged
Will never feel tough ground underneath
There’s nothing to believe in
And nothing to be seen -
I’m just a human being
Lost in what’s fake and what is real…