Left Out

How can I be surrounded by people,
Yet still feel alone?
I am fighting, always fighting,
Just so my presence can be known.

When I walk with my friends,
They end up in a line.
I end up being the one
Trailing behind.

At lunch we sit next to each other,
Talking with glee.
Yet they all get wrapped up
In conversation without me.

I try to be a good friend,
To listen and to understand,
But I have to crawl and reach to hang out
Or when I need a hand.

I try to find my worth in God
And not in other people,
But it’s really hard when I can’t see him,
And his physical isn’t feasible.

I see all the pretty girls
With their pretty faces,
They have boyfriends, and get compliments
On a regular basis
I wish that I could look like them, be like them...

They’re so perfect,
And they don’t even try!
But I feel like I can’t reach their standard,
No matter how hard I try…

Two of my friends just got dates,
And I’m happy for them, I am, yet
It’s hard for me, it made me cry,
When they get what I want that I can’t get
Even though I’ve tried so hard

Someone broke up,
Or someone likes someone new
I don’t know about it at all until it’s been a month
And we talk as a group.

I go unnoticed by most of my peers
Though they may not be directed to me,
Their whispers and laughs
Add onto my fears.

I pass them silently,
Just another face in the crowd
And when I try to get noticed,
The silence is loud.

I don’t like who I am,
I get annoyed with myself
I’m thinking about going on meds
So I can feel someone else.

Because I only get compliments
When I try hard to look pretty
But when they give those compliments,
Are they really just pity…
In disguise?

I feel as if I went back in time,
When I was in eighth grade
And I couldn’t find where I fit in,
I got lost in the parade
Of personalities,

I smile so people think I’m okay,
And lie when they ask if I’m fine,
Too many times I’ve wished I had a machine
That let people read my mind
And feel my feelings the way I do!

So they would truly understand,
And truly get to see,
What it’s like to feel left out
And what it’s like to be me.

There’s so much they don’t know,
So much I have hid,
Would they laugh, or cry, or mourn,
If they saw me within?

I hope this poem
Is a window into me,
Though it’s only so little
Of the internal me.