Pondering

Lying in my bed at night pondering my life
far to tired for walking now and way too drunk to drive

i keep looking at the bottle that sits on my night stand
I feel weak and unappreciated as it rattles in my hand

shaking like i was cold but pain is all I feel,
will i have the balls to follow through is this how cowards feel,

the releif I feel is fleeting and the solutionb is right here,
I pop the top quietly just so noone else will hear,

My wife is lying there asleep peaceful as she seems ,
just a couple hours ago she went crazy as she screamed

I guess I'm only dreaming to think I could be loved
I"m left with only painful thoughts knowing I'm not enough.

to many tortuous details to maention in this rift
I am lucky that she fell asleep she'd still be talking shit

the last 12 years Ive noticed that I dont know who I am
but she has made sure that I knew the place where which I stand

before when we were dating she was as sweet as she could be
we would walk around hand in hand she was proud of me.

I clutch the pills in my hand and lean back in the bath  
reaching for the razor that will save me from her wrath,

I take a breath and swallow hard there is no coming back
I dont know if my battered heart can take 1 more attack.

I place the razor open on the side where towels are stacked
then take two dozen percocet and slipp down in the bath

After what seemed eternity I feel the numb I need
then slice my wrista hastily made jaged so to bleed.

as the water al;l turns crimson and the lights are getting dark
I hear a desperate daughters plea, daddy what's wrong with your arms.

I realize it was a mistake but tears flow down her cheeks
I tell her that Im sorry this is how it has to be.

Your mommy hurt me deeply dear and i dont have much time
I dont want to die alone wish I could press rewind.

Stay with me please dont go I plead with my little girl
the only reason that I had some joy in this cokld world.

Im so sorry that you saw this it was the cowards way
then I slip down in the tub as the light and feeling starts to fade

I see her lips are moviong and shes crying daddy no!
I try and hold out 1 more breath and say i love you so.

I see my self lying in blood soaked from head to toe
and watch her sob hytsterically still tugging at my clothes

Why oh why did I do this it was not my intent
shattered her heart, the angel that God himself had sent.

The only one that didnt care that I was getting old
couldnt bring myself to to give the letter I still hold.

I told her that Im proud of her, she could do anything
but daddy was to weak to stay i know how this mihght seem

I dont want you in any way to think this is your fault
youve given me the only happy times I can recall

I try and calm her 1 last time my hand goes through her face
then panic washes over me, as i realize its too late