The Saint

I find nothing tangible in repetitive prayer. Many people of many faiths pray in a deep and constant manner within their vision, or version of deity. They pray for everything, from love and money, to food and peace. Most go unanswered, unexplained and unsuccessful. Therefore, it is my instinctual summary to say that there must then be some sort of Formula for communicating with our Divine selves.

Many have found it, from most all practices and organized religions. What are their common denominators? What and where are the KEYS to heaven on earth? What buttons need we push, and which are those conditions we need to meet in order to find the foundation that supports them all. Are we all living parodies, scripts or trips? What are the gains, if any, keeping the majority of people ignorant and unaware? Maybe it's their unrelenting desire to remain that way.

My prayers for love have become one single drastic and constant cry. An obsession or yearning desperation, and idol worship. I am not being merely deprived, I am being ignored. No one else's soul can cry so loud and from such a high mountain top of loneliness than me. I am praying that my callous heart which now protects me from the deep depression that solitude makes, can someday be again filed smooth and tender. Because even now, after more than several years I am forgetting the feeling of love. Even the type of love I know the best. The giving, which always fans the flames of my wanting. But never receiving the examples of the love I have given, leaves me here in this existence to crave it, as the body craves sustenance.

I have laid my life at the altar of love and humanity. I am that someone who goes with half a loaf of bread to a small place that fits like a nest around them. One who wants nothing more, and is not longed for by anyone. I am a letter to everyone, open it, it
says LIVE!- Rumi

Well, it seems my lack of bread and accommodations puts me at a loss for hosting love in the name of anything. Nevertheless, if I believe that these feelings and primal urges are just illusions, physical manifestations projected upon the screen where light meets matter. Then I should be happy to see them for what they truly are, and move forward past them to focus that time and energy on the goals of spiritual endeavors.

If relinquishing these feelings and desires is the lesson I was meant to be taught and passed in this incarnation, then I am in a desperate struggle with my mid-term exams. I have spent my free time drowned in love sorrows, possibilities and aspirations. Much too distracted to study, and so further the lesson goes. Are these things that COULD be, or things that WILL be. If only we were allowed to preview our futures, because I feel no gratification from the adrenaline rush suspense creates.

If I could know from some type of sign that my dreams here on earth were not possible for me this time around I would find the path of Earthly wants and needs an impossible pass. Setting my sights on Super-consciousness, and burying death before it buries me.

I have been to Atlantic City once in my lifetime, and never placed a bet. But somehow I felt confident and justified in gambling with my mortal life so recklessly. I abandoned everything in my life. Renounced everything I had, and had ever wanted. Voluntarily left the security of my homeland and culture to play the odds that if I made these sacrifices, and lived this life, that somehow love would find, or better still, meet me here.

But the only love I have felt thus far has most certainly been from the Universe. I should have died at least several times since I started this journey of the heart. Through all my faults, defaults, and disabilities the grace of God has sent a savior to rescue me in one form or another. Considering that the life I have been encouraged to keep is a blessing, and this curse of loneliness is only temporary. But still I feel as though I'm falling apart. Piece by piece, disassembled. Living as close to the Edge of destitution as I have ever been, or could ever imagine to be. Unable to befriend even one amicable soul. Again, I must watch from the sidelines as everyone I meet around me are found bathing in synergy, love and common community. Finding so easily the path to love and brotherhood.