Concepcion Abel

Will I harden as I degrade?
Does God see me today?
Does He see my hope and struggle
As I try to reclaim my way?

He’s seen me here before,
A bit stronger since then
Half a decade gone,
Have I changed a fucking thing?

What am I afraid of?
I wrestle my father from himself,
His frontal lobe is poor,
And as he forgot himself,
I forgot myself more

Awake till 3 in the morn
Making sure he stays coo
“Dad, you can’t leave yet
Without your fucking shoes.
Sit the f*ck down,
Please just eat your food.”

Easy to resent,
Fall to anger and snap
Hold his life in my hands,
But in that moment, don’t react.
And I think of what I’m doing to Dad.

I know what I lacked,
The world’s funny this way
There’s nothing we get away with
In this life; you always pay.

So I choose to believe
That this IS the way back.
If wisdom is gained through suffering,
Then I’ve been in front of it
Taking the heat, gritting my teeth,
Vigilant sleep, hawk-eyed,
Anxiety’s peaked.

Do I have PTSD?
Nah, probably not;
My heart has retreat
No time for lames, bitches, or freaks

F*ck y’all, death has me seen,
I know it now
And I won’t accept defeat—not again,
For my family, and a little me
I’ll slice through the belly of the beast,
And I’ll return
A son rebirthed,
The sum of conception.

Goddamn, I’ve got no limits.
It’s just me, just him
El Señor within, always has been.
And as Dad watches me,
I hope he knows this is me because of him
And that He forgives all my other sins.