She loves herself, she loves me not

Charlie Harris   Poems   Drafts  
 
7h
She loves herself, she loves me not
Guns n' roses. Laughter. Mushrooms. Midnight walks down the train tracks. Laying back looking at the stars. Listening to Kardashian peacocks into the morning. Kissing, rubbing. Living, good loving. Painting, sharing, more loving, and caring.
Future plans, history lessons, intimate bedroom, ritual undressings.

Morning sunrises, and healthy eats, I was learning so much, even under the sheets.

We paid for each other. We were anything but greedy. She even complemented, how I WAS not needy.

But that all changed when drinking one night. Up on the deck, where she wanted to fight.

Where this came from, I'll never find out. For she had enough whiskey, to make her black out.

Biting my lip, with all my force, her put-downs relentless, she was high on her horse.  

She said things so crass, so incredibly  crude, I stood up to leave and told her she's rude.

I couldn't believe what the f*ck was going on, so I cooled down my jets, out by the lawn.

We we're doing so great, our love was sincere. now too appalled, to even shed tear.

Back in I went, as calm as could be, but she wasn't done, and continued on me.

Her guest intervened, with back to my face, I couldn't believe this, this was so out of place.

They herded her out, into the night. That wasn't her, this didn't feel right.

I was really concerned, way more than pissed. I pictured DUI, and cuffs on her wrist.

But thankfully she was smart, and did not drive. But trying to make sense of this, ate me alive.

I called her a bunch, I called her alot
It was out of concern, not of bad thought.

I sent many messages, voicemails and texts, every single one i sounded perplexed.

Hours and hours after the sun had come up, she came up the stairs, she was still all fucked up.

Last night, she gave me no clue. This morning, she found something new.

“You don't drink water, you eat garbage, and shit. I'm getting my things, and I am going to split.”

“You think I don't drink water or try to eat healthy?  I do pretty good, for someone not wealthy.
You got a point about water, It's nearly true, but I don't drink a tenth of the whiskey you do.
It takes a pint of water to rehydrate one shot, not to mention you drink doubles, that's quite a lot.
These arguments weren't mentioned late last night, why only now, you offer
reason to fight?
It's like night and day, you were nice, now mean. You got me thinking, am I in some dream?”

So she moved out, and now she is gone. I did not see her dawn after dawn.

I experienced her love, her company I knew. Now that she's gone, what the f*ck do I do?

Do nothing! Do something! what would YOU do?  confused as I was, if you’re in my shoes.

For me what I did, I wish I did not.
It's just not taking action, seemed wrong in my thought.

To say she didn't want me, would be over simplified.  something was wrong, I admit it, I cried.

So I did what I thought, that was which the right task. I called and I called, but to no damn alas.

I wanted to know what I couldn't understand, so I texted and  texted exceeding one grand.

Now you've probably heard love make you do strange things,
So pay attention close, and you might earn your wings.

Be aware of the fact, that you're losing your mind. This happens to us as men, especially the kind.

Step back, look in, get out of your head. The more that you try, the more your you are dead.

Just shut up and listen to her, walk a mile in her shoes, if you don't do this, she'll never love you.

Listen to me hard, and listen good. Don't do what you think you probably should.

Back the f*ck up, chill out, and give her, her space. haven't you heard that nonsense stupid phrase:

It’s short,  and out of rhythm, “if you love someone, let them go.”
You say yeah yeah sure,I already know.

But do you my friend? then why did she go? Cause she’s not fuckin here. You have reached a new low.

Stop texting Stop calling you punk little bitch, You're like a crackhead with a non-stopping itch.

Be a man, take a stand, remember what she did? is that what you want, you cry baby kid?

Maybe it's just your fear of being alone, for the last fucking time put down that damn phone!

The time has come, to work on yourself. If you don't realize this, you're in need of some help.

I should wrap this up soon, this is the longest one yet, ya think she’ll make it this far? Doubt it, I bet.

I dont know what to do. Do I send this or not?  Maybe I should print it, now theres a thought?  

I could also delete it, trash it or eat it.  But my heart's on my sleeve and feels natural to bleed it.

It's hard to stay silent and not be heard. I ponder in the mirror giving myself the bird.

Clearly i should re-read this, follow my own advise….but this woman, my baby, she's my number one vice.
  
Love makes you do some really dumb things. maybe this poem should have been a ring.

Here goes nothing, wish me some luck.  F*ck f*ck f*ck, f*ck f*ck f*ck, f*ck f*ck f*ck. F*ck.k66u7