why do i want this?

i’m sorry,
for what, i’m not sure,
but i keep saying it,
like it’s the only thing i know how to do.

you tell me you could be with anyone,
that i’m nothing special.
yet here i am,
falling into your trap again,
and again.

why do i want this?

you’re older,
just enough to make me feel smaller,
like maybe you know better.
maybe that’s why i fold so quickly,
while you never break.

you know what you’re doing,
playing me like a game,
while i’m left trying to figure out
the rules that keep changing.

you say things that make me feel
like i’d be lost without you,
as if i’m incomplete
without the pieces you give
and take away.

you know all the pieces of me,
my weaknesses,
the low points i try to hide,
while i only know your name.

i fold for you,
so fast it makes me sick,
and i can’t tell even my closest of friends
how easily i give in.
i say nothing,
because i’m too ashamed.

why do i want this?
why do i still want this?

when i say no,
the guilt floods in,
and i feel pathetic,
like i’m the one to blame
for your disappointment,
for the silence that follows.

you ask for more than i can give,
and somehow,
i feel weak for holding back.
but i don’t tell you that,
i keep that wound for myself.

why do i want this?
why do i keep coming back?

i tell myself this time will be different,
that maybe i’ll have the upper hand,
but you smile through the screen,
and i’m lost all over again.

each time, i walk away empty,
like i left a part of me behind,
and yet,
we haven’t even stood in the same room.

somehow, i still crave
the pieces of you that hurt the most.

why do i want this?
why do i want what i know will break me?
why do i want this,
when i feel so pathetic and weak?

but still,
i’m here,
asking myself,
why do i want this?
why do i want you?