A Father’s Masquerade

Dear father—
My father. I love you, and I’ve got to

shed this skin because your snake bites might alter

my nights tossing. You have turned into the monster;
I’m praying that you’ve preyed on the last vulnerable you can conquer.
This honor you created, the path you wished was replicated,

is desecrated by the trail of victims you’ve damaged just to make it.

Once heralded with your badge of honor as some hero,

you eventually struck fear in your loved ones when you zeroed

in through an emotional scope. Suffocating those with your rope

twisted in lies and fortified by false hope.
Is it love when the damage you’ve done left the spirit broke?

I love you, father, and the early memories you created.
I never knew my early life would bring the luxuries that you came with.

But like all goods, the value depreciates.

Your love can no longer buy an easier way to escape
from coming face to face with the skeletons buried deep in your closet.

Search any further, and you’ll find me sobbing, buried in your hardships.
I hope you’ve gotten everything you have ever wanted.

Eventually, the balloon bursts, vanishing high on the horizon.

Let’s lay it on the table— the thoughts behind this smile.

Was your distaste for me because I dared to deny you, 
or because I am my mother’s child? Do you see her in me?

Did I fail you by refusing your truths that you wanted me to believe?
At my ball games, your seat was always empty,

and when you cast me out, there was no effort or empathy.

Not a dollar or a moment spent to get me on my feet—

just your oblivion to the toll it took on me mentally.
I thought you’d see me with pride, but perhaps you felt relief
when your role to support and guide became a lesser need.
You poured kerosene on every memory, igniting a fire
that burned admiration, leaving behind nothing to inspire.

This mess you’ve built overshadows the blood and tears

you spent climbing a peak, where loneliness echoes your fears.
You endured all these lonely years,
only to find the divide within had never disappeared.
Only when you see the light does the darkness appear.

I now know who you are and I know what you have done.

I love you, father, but this disappointment is too deep to overcome.
Save your breath, I know what you think that you’ve done for your kids.

You’re only kidding yourself if you think this is what a father is.
You taught me strength through your failures, I hope you’ll get to see
the father I’ll become will honor the child you couldn’t be.
I feel freedom from your grasp, the financial hold is all you had.
Your parenting never matured from what it was in the past.
No more providing me with gifts. No more thinking to comprehend

is to let your arrogance belittle the brokenness that exists.

No more narcissistic approach. No more lies living untold.

No more unapologetically speaking down to others when you unfold.
No more of your negativity; I’m only seeking peace.

I now know my ability to understand and release.
You are the best father that I know I could ever have,

because you showed me what I won’t do whenever I become a dad.
I love you.