Defensive

You took my hand
Words were exchanged
A new life was born
But deep hurts and favoritism lingers
I’m seen for a short moment
Faded I remain in the presence of…. her
Smile on my face but broken hearted
Silenced on any matter related
I will never be the apple of your eye
Or the one who stands out in the room

Third wheel for life
Broken I feel and sad shell of a wife
Not a true friend
I just want to fade away
No man treats me the way I deserve
I live in a fantasy of fairy tales

I’ll never be the favorite
If I’m hurt, then "you took it the wrong way"
Dare I say anything against
I am dead and beat down
Depression hurts
Like someone is turning the knife in my heart
I never seem to surface in the ocean of my thoughts
Should’ve kept my mouth shut
What were you thinking?
You no better then to come between
You no better then to say something against the one who never does any wrong

The golden child
His favorite by all accounts
Despite what he says it is clear
Haven’t you see the pattern
Each time defensive
Yet I am not jealous
Though I use to be - for a short time
In truth..
I would never want to be dismissive of others or look down on them on occasion

No, I don’t want to be her
I want him to see and hear me like her
Defensive always
Does he not see how it affects me
Why can’t you see
I just want him to see
See how his defensiveness on this matter feeds my insecurities   

Feeds my negative thoughts
But it is clear
Judging by his defensiveness I have no right
I am third! Always and forever
No value and worth - my thoughts
And yet I’m the only one at fault

How dare I project my insecurities on him
How dare I voice opinion or shake my head
Who the hell are you to do or say such harsh things regarding her

Don’t you know hers and my heart?
Are you that dumb?
Condescending and patronizing
Always being defensive regarding her
Just hurts that even after that special day I will never be the one you see when its us three

I can speak but if the other is speaking, I might as well shut up
So let me fade away
Its what I’m good at after all
Defensive and sarcasm scare me
Yet its words that help me feel loved
I put too much behind words
Defensive defensive defensive but never for meet
Yet I’m no better
In fact I’m much worse

So I guess I do deserve all of this
Just stay silent
Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever

I’ve finally snapped.
What does mental illness feel like?
Is this it for me?
I can’t keep doing this
Keep it superficial
On the surface only
The less he knows the less it hurts
Just smile and wave boys just smile and wave
No sense in letting him in
After all...

The one who makes you cry isn’t worthing crying over
But the one who doesn’t make you cry is worth crying over
So stop crying
What was the point of that day
I’m now oppressively sad
Tears