Disintegration of Self and the Beauty of Becoming

12/27/22
She bears witness to her sanity withering away like a forgotten memory. She has big dreams and a wild imagination, but she doubts her ability to make any of them come true. Her confidence never reached her core; the confidence she knows is merely a performance.

She thinks she can love herself unconditionally but doesn't believe it. And she needs to understand that there's a clear distinction between thinking and believing. Thinking requires minimal effort, while believing requires repetitive and consistent action. She thinks affirming herself through words is sufficient when it's only half the battle.

She's been this way for almost 2 years, and it's been enough time for her to believe she is useless. She thinks external factors are supposed to dictate her worth, but she is mistaken. This is why she doesn't have a stable sense of self. Her self-esteem is perpetually changing along with the world's perception of her. She accepts this partly because she doesn't believe she deserves better and is not surrounded by people who don't challenge her to unlearn unproductive thinking.

This is on her because she intentionally makes it so that she's not surrounded by people who genuinely have their lives more intact. She hasn't learned that intimidation is just awaiting admiration.

So on an unconscious level, she strategically curated the people she hangs around. These people struggle with similar issues. And that's where she is comfortable, where the boat isn't rocked, smooth sailing. But deep down, she knows she must die first to truly live. She knows that she has to let go of who she currently is to blossom into the person she romanticizes.

But she excessively focuses on the disparity between where she is and where she is headed, to the point where she loses sight of her purpose.
She lives a fast life because it's nearly effortless to abandon yourself when your life is racing before your eyes.

This doesn't give her time to process experiences, emotions or thoughts. So she isn't fully formed because she doesn't take the time to get to know herself. How can her personality be developed when she doesn't take the time to diligently assess it?

She has excessively evaluated her flaws and lost sight of what makes her beautiful. She's obsessed with being perfect when people aren't meant to be perfect; we're meant to be beautiful. And beauty does not necessitate perfection.

She has this light she puts forth, and she doesn't know whether to feel pride or sorrow because she manages to shine bright despite her inner turmoil; however, the light is fraudulent - it's not from the core. She has accepted the ambivalence.
 
She illuminates the thoughts of others by simply being herself, which makes her admirable. When she truly wants something, she makes it happen. When she is doing well, she has this determination that renders her unstoppable.

She is highly inquisitive of others and herself to view both more holistically. Her curious mind makes her a problem solver, but she is stuck on the puzzle of herself. She is in the stage of becoming and struggling to manage the agony of the process.

She has struggled to manage her mental health to the extent that she's let go of nearly all her healthy habits, including writing. Additionally, she works 70 hours a week to sustain a decent lifestyle (she needs a better work/life balance… soon). When she does have free time, she finds it hard to accomplish anything because of what she formerly thought of as laziness. But after some introspection and research, being lazy isn't due to a simple unwillingness. It's due to a lack of belief to achieve. Because she genuinely believed that her worth was that low, she started performing at the level of her confidence. She has acquired a track record supporting the belief that she is useless, essentially a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Losing sight of the things that keep her thriving is effortless when she is in the abyss. She falls victim to becoming her worst enemy without realizing what she's doing. She knows what separates those engulfed by their battles and those who overcome them is a constellation of beliefs and attitudes. And the alluring part about the constellation is that it is malleable. It can be molded into virtually anything to the point where it requires minimal effort. It's an infinitely high standard because having control of beliefs and attitudes is self-mastery - and once she masters herself, limits reduce to figments of her unbridled imagination.

However, this process is incredibly challenging because it requires the shedding of habits and ways of thinking that aren't conducive to the best version of herself. And she's grown an attachment to this toxic version of herself because it's provided comfort and protection from those daunting ideas that are her dreams. It's an intricate relationship because there's the frivolous, idealized and actual her who exists in the undefined space between the two. God, help me.  

1/14/23

A couple of traumatic events happened to her. Both were in her best interest, yet painful. It took her life to disintegrate before her eyes to build up the resilience to stop living passively and act.

Part of why she was living so passively is because she poured all her energy into fruitless places. How can she devote the time to live properly when she's releasing her energy into nothing productive.

However, once she let go of the sweet comfort of complacency, she could eliminate the people and things she was recklessly pouring herself into. This left an abundance of room to pour energy into herself. So, that's precisely what she did.

She rediscovered her zest and strong intentionality. She made a commitment to aim for nothing less than excellence. A goal she deemed perpetual because excellence is not a destination. It's an endless journey of learning.

This was the catalyst for re-engaging in her hobbies.

She wrote. She wrote because that's what liberates her thoughts, what can be expressed when that lump in her throat prevents her from speaking her mind, what she runs to when she feels the slope of the abyss becoming steeper - writing is her ladder to the surface.

Where the brilliant rays from the sun match the illumination of her essence. She can look at the abyss from a bird's eye view and contend with the tension between feeling empathy or pity for herself and others who don't realize that the steepness of the slope is contingent upon us.

Essentially, where love exists. Love is when you are willing to go through all the meticulous, mundane and sometimes substantially arduous tasks to fulfill a commitment. That's why her writing starts off plain, even rudimentary, because she's sifting and digging through her thoughts to reach the gold, manifesting in profound statements that will disassemble your paradigms.

When she's above the abyss, the value of this process is inherent, and the further she moves away from darkness, the light becomes more irresistible, almost an instinct. And for her, writing is the mechanism for the light to be approached with the eagerness of a child. This is why she cannot stop writing. Writing has revealed love's main criteria; proceeding with grace despite adversity.

She danced. When she was younger, she had this fire about her that rendered her shameless of her body as it graciously, however, sometimes jaggedly moved. Her wavering confidence caused her fluidity to become disrupted at times, like a peaceful and gentle stream interrupted by a vicious breeze.

However, when she felt this disruption, she swiftly realigned herself to be present and enjoyed the moment as if doubt never robbed her of her self-esteem. And that is what matters - having the resilience to proceed with excitement despite momentary stumbles.

Although, as time passed, she lost sight of that fire and allowed doubt to settle in her muscles. Her spirit weighed too heavy for the rhythm to govern her body. However, now that she is ignited, she understands that dancing with utmost confidence requires the complete annihilation of uncertainty and an abundance of trust, even obedience, an obedience to her feelings as they synchronize with the beat. She knows what living is supposed to feel like now.

It's funny how the small changes are what prompt revolutionary change. An overhaul doesn't happen overnight; it happens gradually then the process accelerates at an exponential rate once the principle of love is no longer a choice. It becomes second nature, something she no longer has to contemplate. The indecisiveness has ended, and she is no longer split between what's momentarily convenient and what's worthwhile. She has climbed out of the abyss and been on the surface long enough to know this is where she truly belongs. A place where being excellent isn't a choice. A place where the only limit she has is how low she's willing to go; she has a boundary for the lows but is boundless for the highs. She is finally home.