never be

I bought you many gifts, listened to your wishes, and gave up my time for you
You brought me to my knees, I prayed for you to never leave me, all I want to do is die for you
I asked every question, wrote down my confessions, burned bridges turned to lessons that I taught to you
My ghost longs to be with you, I barely get to see you, and my heart’s overjoyed when I do

But I’ll never be the person that you need, I won’t be the one to set you free
I can’t know your deepest feelings without empathy, that’s even if you share them with me
I wonder what you think about my life, I hope you’re not embarrassed to be by my side
You’re the friend that was made for me, but for you that’s someone I’ll never be

I had a reputation, full of intelligence and conversation, every time I walked into the room
Smart enough to teach the class, every test I seemed to pass, I’d be going somewhere pretty soon
Have my stay at university, fall in love with the woman of my dreams, get married at night under the moon
And work a job that’s just fine, taking good care of my life, scoffing at any announcement of doom

But I’ll never be a student with degrees of degree, education never got me anywhere for free
And what made me special l abandoned for cheap, I’ve got nothing left to identify me
I wonder what’s down the narrow path, I hope that I choose the route with no lack
Those expectations weren’t meant for me, and that’s someone I would never be

All I do is regret that you ever met me, you don’t know the monster I’ve come to be
Admiring wickedness, crying out for deliverance, in sin without repentance, destroying my body to pay penance
All I am is ashamed of the person I’ve made, incurred in transactions of currency and change
Depleting my energy, a lack of integrity, feeding my soul the vices of thine enemies
All I realize is that there’s nothing good about me, when I’m dead nobody’ll remember my history
Not poems or journal entries, not my art or cooking, not my effort in dedication to something
You don’t have to understand, you should just leave me be, to cut open my wrists and bleed out into the open sea

You should probably just leave me as
A short chapter in the book of your history
A diluted drop of liquid at the bottom of your whiskey
A worthless token that doesn’t work at the arcade machine
A quick nightmare stuck inside of your dream
A lost soul not even God would redeem